The PINA COLADA Show
by child of the gallows
Summary: Hiya! I'm Liz, and my friend Lyn and a guy named Wyatt the Top Hat Salesman are bringing in Twilight characters to our studio to interview them! Don't come if you're not in the mood to laugh at idiots! If you're not... WELL, come anyway!
1. Carlisle

Disclaimer: We do not own the books/music legends/TV show Characters /Famous chefs that appear in these so called skits. We were just bored.

The PINA COLADA show

STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN

Liz:HALLO PEOPLES! WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Lyn: PINA COLATA!

Liz:(Looks strangely at Lyn) Anyway… TODAY, we have a super duper guest!

Lyn:Superfantastical!

Liz:For this series of shows, we will be annoying Twilight characters!

Lyn: I know that we are kind of copying many people's ideas, but… YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE WE LIVVEEE!!! YOU CAN'T SUE US!!!

Liz: Our first victim will be the super hot, awesome, good haired, smart… (etc.) DR. CARLISLE CULLEN!

Lyn: OMG I WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN HIS HAIR!

Liz:Uh… Well, if you went swimming in his hair… you would kind of snap your neck. It's so styled.

Lyn:BUT HE WOULD SAVE ME! (starts giggling uncontrollably)

Liz: Anyway… Let's check in with our kidnapping team, Bob, Stu, and Shannon. Bob?

(Turns on big screened TV with awesome blue remote)

Lyn:Did you steal that from iCarly's Sam?

Liz: Of course not! (Inconspicuously puts in pocket)

Lyn:Anyway… PINA COLATA! Bob?

Bob:Well, we're just knocking on the Cullen's house, where Shannon and Stu have already tied him up---I mean… told him that we were coming.

Liz:Okay, let's have a look inside our SUPER SPECIAL secret CAMERAS!

(A picture of the super hot Carlisle pops up on the big screen)

Shannon: COME ON! You have to come! We have a show to do!

Carlisle: NEVERRR!!! (He is tied up on the ground with garlic, crosses, and wooden stakes around him) Oh, wait. I can break through these.

Shannon: HA! You are wrong! We have GARLIC!

Carlisle: (Rolls eyes, breaks ropes, and darts for the door) …

Shannon: OH NO YOU DON'T! You are going to do this show whether you like it or NOT! (Finally notices camera) Uh… Hi, Liz, Lyn. Audience. We had to… er… just, we'll be there in a minute. (Puts hand over camera lens)

Lyn: OKEY DOKEY ARTICHOKEY!

Liz: Okay… Where was Stu in all of this?

(Another camera shot pops up, showing Stu in Carlisle's kitchen eating meatloaf.)

Lyn:(Nodding head) Yes, yes, that is understandable. I would definitely swap kidnapping Carlisle for eating meatloaf.

Liz: Since when do the Cullens have meatloaf?

Lyn:I… don't… know…

Liz:That's the perfect question to ask him when he gets here!

Lyn:Maybe we can have Emeril whip us up some crab cakes!

Emeril: (Pops up out of nowhere) BAM! (Hands her a platter of crabcakes.) Here you are miss Lyn. I HOPE MR. CARLISLE LIKES THEM!!!!!! (has mad face on)

Lyn: (whispers) Emeril is jealous of Carlisle because he has better hair.

Liz: Ooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy… Oh! Look! Here comes Shannon with STU and BOB!

Lyn:You guys… Where's Carlisle?

Shannon: Oh, he'll be here in a minute. We just had to knock him unconscious (Can vampires even go unconscious?)

Liz: Apparently.

Shannon: He'll be here within 10… seconds.

Lyn:Nine. Eight. Seven.

Liz: WE GET THE POINT!

Lyn:Four, threetwoone! CARLISLE!

(Carlisle in his infinite hotness walks in, rubbing his head.) (Crowd cheers.)

Carlisle: So… what am I doing here!

Lyn:WE'RE HERE TO ANNOY YOU AND ASK QUESTIONS UNTIL YOU GO BLIND!

Carlisle: (raising an eyebrow) Vampires can't go blind.

Liz:EXACTLY! THAT'S THE POINT!

Lyn: FIRST QUESTION! Since when do you have meatloaf?

Carlisle: Meatloaf? Since when did we have meatloaf?

Liz: That's the question that we're asking you!

Carlisle: Well, I don't know. So just deal with it!

Lyn:Next question… Would you like a crabcake?

Carlisle: Why would I want a crabcake? I can't EAT!

Emeril: (Appears out of nowhere again) WHY WON'T YOU EAT MY CRABCAKES??!!! ARE THEY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU??? ARE THEY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR KIND??? AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

Carlisle: Jealous about my hair?

Emeril: Yes… (sniffs and disappears)

Liz: Third question… Do you remember your best friend from when you were in London in the 1600's?

Carlisle: Of course! It's… Mr. … some name I forgot. No, no I don't remember.

Lyn:Too bad for you! We took a time traveling machine back to the 1600's and brought him back with us! Please welcome… (pauses dramatically) MR. FREDERICK INGLSCHMORGENBORGEN! YAY!

(Wyatt the top hat salesman walks onto stage with a twenty year old dude who is totally not hot, but is wearing a top hat that compliments his eyes. P.S. we will be calling him Mr. F. so we don't have to spell his name.)

Mr. F.:Please, please, hold your applause.

(cricket sounds)

Mr. F.: Shut up, cricket!

Liz:So, Mr. F., are you mad that you are so much less hot than the super delicious Carlisle, and when you walk in a bar they all look at him and not you?

Mr. F.: What kind of question is that?

Lyn:A good one. It tests your friendship. Bum bum bum bummm… Bum bum bum bummm…

Mr. F.: Why are you making those noises?

Lyn: Well, we were so overbudget with the time machine and the kidnapping crew and whatnot, we couldn't hire Jimmy Buffet to be our band dude. So I'll have to do for now.

Liz:Answer the question.

Mr. F.: Well… PINA COLATA!

Lyn:Hey! That's my line!

Liz:That is her line. You don't use it again, OR ELSE…

(Very mean looking tough guy appears out of nowhere and looks threatening)

Lyn:Liz, have you ever noticed that many random people appear in our studio?

Liz:Uh… yeah.

Lyn:We've gotten off topic AGAIN! Mr. F., without saying PINA COLATA because that's MY LINE, is the answer YES OR NO???

Mr. F.: Maybe…

Liz:ARGGGHHH! You're USELESS! (Takes Mr. F. and throws him out of a random window.)

Lyn:I didn't know we had a window in the studio…

Liz: We do now. Okay, Mr. Carlisle… (Turns to Carlisle's chair, but it's empty.)

Lyn and Liz: Mr. Carlisle? Mr. Carlisle!?!?

Lyn:OH NOOO! We didn't get to go SWIMMING IN HIS HAIR!

Liz:Dang. Anyway, join us next time when we'll annoy Bella and Reneesme!

Lyn:And we'll have Emeril make us some more CRABCAKES!

Emeril: (Once again, appearing out of nowhere) WITH SPRINKLES!

Liz:Okay… till next time! BYE!


	2. Bella and Reneesme

Hola, it's Liz and Lyn (mostly Liz). Thanks for the kind reviews, and here's chapter TWO! JOYOUS!

The PINA COLATA show

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Lyn: Hello, and welcome to the Pina Colata show! PINA COLATA!

Liz: Today we will be annoying, and otherwise driving mad Bella and Renesmee!

Lyn: Hopefully, Shannon, Stu, and Bob won't have to knock them unconscious so we can get on with the show right away!

Liz: Let's check in!

(The gynormous TV turns on and Bob shows up)

Bob: Thankfully, these characters are coming WILLINGLY! We, eh, kind of… heh… had to… threaten them with BB guns…

Lyn: Can Renesmee get hurt?

Bob: Did I say threaten? I meant… yeah. Threaten.

Liz: Let's check in on Shannon!

(Giant TV switches to Shannon)

Shannon: I HAVE BB'S! GET OUT THAT DOOR OR I'LL SHOOT!

Bella: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Renesmee: Goo.

(Shannon threatens Bella and Renesmee out the door.)

Lyn: What was Stu doing? He couldn't help at all.

(Shows a clip of Stu eating apple pie)

Lyn: NO! NO! That is NOT COOL! I would rather threaten Bella and RENESMEE than eat apple PIE!

Liz: Why do the Cullens even have APPLE PIE?

Lyn: Not sure. Carlisle didn't even answer our question about the Meatloaf, so we'll have to ask Bella.

Liz: COOL! I GET THE BB GUN!

Lyn: I GET THE SQUIRT GUN FILLED WITH PUDDING!

(Emeril once again pops out of nowhere)

Emeril: Here's the pudding for the squirt gun. I HOPE MR. CARLISLE LIKES IT!

Liz: Uh… Carlisle's not here anymore.

Emeril: Oh. (Disappears)

Lyn: Bob, are they going to be here soon? I ran out of things to talk about.

Liz: Yeah, seriously.

Lyn: FRANCISCO! FRAncisco! FranCISCO!

Liz: Los AngELIS! LOS AngelIS! Los ANGELis!

(Bella and Renesmee walk in!)

Crowd: It's ABOUT TIME! (goes dead silent)

Lyn: So! Bella! First question…

Bella: Wait a minute! I never agreed to answer any questions! In fact, I never agreed to be here at all!

Liz: Well, you have to answer our questions because we will threaten you with BB GUNS AND SQUIRT GUNS FILLED WITH PUDDING!

(Lyn is filling her squirt gun with pudding)

Bella: That won't be necessary.

Lyn: AWWWW! I GOT ALL THIS PUDDING FOR NOTHING! EMERIL!

Emeril: (Appears out of nowhere for the fifth time) Yes, Lyn?

Lyn: I don't need this pudding. GET ME SUSHI!

Emeril: Of course! (Takes Lyn's pudding and disappears.)

Lyn: ANYWAY, first question. HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE CARLISLE'S NAME?

Liz: Is it CARL-is-le? Or maybe Carl-IS-le? Or is it CARELESS? Or maybe Carlyle? Or is it even CARL-ISSLE-TO-THE-FIZZLE… WIZZLE?

Bella: Why didn't you ask HIM that?

Lyn: He ran away before we got the chance.

Bella: Um … well….. um ……….Oh look, there's Emeril!

Emeril: (Once again, appears out of nowhere) Here is your sushi, Miss Lyn.

Lyn: Why thank you, Emeril. You may go now.

(Disappears into nowhere AGAIN!)

Bella: Next question.

Liz: Hey, you can't say that it is OUR job!!!!

Bella: Um… Too bad.

Lyn: Fine. Next question. This one is from Jacob Black.

Crowd: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

Lyn: He asks, "WHY DID YOU CHOOSE EDWARD INSTEAD OF MEEEE?? I AM SO MUCH HOTTER!!!"

Bella: It's because of CARLISLE! (Starts fanning herself with a hand.) OHMYGOSH I just want to go swimming in his HAIR!

Liz: Yeah. I know how that feels. Maybe we could at the end of our show.

Lyn: MINE! (grabs pudding squirt gun out of nowhere and starts spraying Bella) HE IS MINE! NEXT TO DUSTFINGER HE IS THE BEST CHARACTER THAT EVER LIVED!

Bella: WHAT WAS THAT FOR??? HE IS MY FATHER-IN LAW!!!! WHY WOULD I STEAL HIM FROM ESME????

Liz: ESME CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE!!!

Bella: But she can't die.

Lyn: WELL THAT'S TOO DANG BAD. WE WILL THROW A MATCH DOWN HER THROAT AND BEAT HER WITH PICKLES UNTIL SHE GETS SO ANNOYED SHE KILLS HERSELF.

Liz: AND WHEN SHE DOES DIE, LITTLE MUNCHKINS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE SINGING "_Ding dong, the witch is dead!!_"

Lyn: Next question is from Flibberflabber902.0, "Why the heck did you name Reneesme Reneesme? Besides the fact that you mixed the names of Renee and Esme… It's a stupid name. Everyone will make fun of her at school.

Bella: Well, she's probably not even going to go to school, so just BUTT OUT!!!

Liz: You didn't answer the question. I mean, _somebody _is going to make fun of her name. Why didn't you put Carlie as her first name and Reneesme her middle name. No one cares about the middle name.

Bella: Well, me and Edward both have normal names, so I just wanted Reneesme to have a cool name.

Lyn: "Cool?"

Reneesme: Can I have a say in this? I mean, I like Renee and Esme, you know? But being named after them… yeesh. They are two old, ugly ladies.

Wyatt the Top Hat Salesman: "Ugly?"

Bella: You are in trouble, young lady. WE are going HOME RIGHT NOW, and you are going to call Renee and tell her what you did and say you were sorry.

Lyn: You know, we are broadcasting this on Live TV to all Twilight characters. Even the Voulturri are watching…

Bella: Then I want to EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS TO THE VOULTURRI. You guys get off our back and go die in a freaking flaming hole.

Liz: Thank you for your comments. (Holds up BB gun.) Now, would you like to take the express luxury cruise out of here, or the hard, bumpy, life defying catapult?

Bella: … How about…

Lyn: Your answer is invalid. THE CATAPULT IT IS!!!

(Loads Bella and Reneesme into a random catapult, Wyatt gives them free top hats made of cheese for not running away, and, because they were bored, Liz and Lyn shot Bella and Reneesme with their chosen weapons, before cutting the rope and sending them back to a flying, death defying trip to Forks.)

Wyatt: That's the end.

Lyn: Who's next??? WHO'S NEXT???

Liz: How about we bring in Edward next. He'll be fun to annoy.

Lyn: YES!

Wyatt: Don't forget to feed your fish, folks. This program was brought to you by Twilight, The Wizard of Oz, Inkheart, and the letter Z! Bye!


	3. Edward

The PINA COLATA show

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Liz: Here we are again with another episode of the Pina Colata show.

Lyn: PINA COLADA!

Liz: So tell me, Lyn, why are we not in the studio yet?

Lyn: I don't really know. Emeril said to wait out here while he makes my crabcakes.

Liz: Never trust a personal chef, Lyn. That is your first life lesson.

Lyn: LIFE LESSON!!!

(Suddenly, a random person pops up outside the studio, where Liz and Lyn are standing.)

Lyn: Is it?

Liz: Could it be?

Both: JIMMY BUFFETT!!!!

Announcer: (Voice offscreen) That's right! Your audience has voted for Jimmy Buffett to be on your show for one WHOLE EPISODE! FREE OF CHARGE! Warning: This broadcast is not responsible for anything Jimmy Buffett does to the instruments.

Lyn: I DON'T CARE! JIMMY BUFFETT!!!

Jimmy: Oh, God. Why did I have to be stuck with this show??? (Tries to shake off Lyn, who is clinging to his leg)

Liz: Because we always get what we want. NOW SING SOMETHING!

(Jimmy Buffett starts to randomly sing "Cheeseburger in Paradise" without really trying, rushing through so he doesn't have to put up with the two girls who forced their audience to vote in the contest.)

Lyn: YAY!!!

Liz: Anyway, let's get into the studio.

(Lyn, who is still clinging, somehow opens the door to the studio, and finds everything in the whole studio hit with a baseball bat, burned, spit on, burned a second time, bitten into, and chained to a boiling vat of lava.)

Lyn: WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS???

Wyatt: (Walks through a door on the opposite side of the studio) Whoa. Who did this?

Liz: I think I know who did it.

Lyn: NOT EMERIL! NO, EMERIL WOULDN'T DO THIS!

Jimmy: Bum bum bum buuuummmm...

Lyn: THE FLYING MONKEY IN MY BASMENT.

Audience: (Gasps) No! NEVER!

Liz: When I find out who did this, I will fire them. Then I will tell them it's all a joke, then fire them again. Then I will call them at home, telling them that it was all a big misunderstanding, then I will fire them again! And then--

(Liz pushes away broken speaker and shows a letter written in spray paint in the back of the studio…)

Audience: GASP!

I DID NOT DO THIS.

--EMERIL

Liz: SEE! I TOLD YOU!

Lyn: But Emeril said he didn't do it.

Liz: Oh well, good thing we have the brand new… CLEANING CREW!!!

(Mr. F. walks in wearing a French Maid costume.)

Mr. F. Why am I doing this???

Lyn: BECAUSE WE AREN'T PAYING YOU AND WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO SEND YOU BACK TO YOUR OWN TIME IN THE TIME MACHINE.

Jimmy: Okay, that is creepy on soooo many levels.

Wyatt: Rock on, dude.

Lyn: Stop fussing, Mr. F. , and start cleaning the place!!!

(Mr. F. sets to work on cleaning the very vandalized studio.)

Liz: Now that that's all done, please give a warm welcome to the heart-throb of a lot of teens (not us), EDWARD CULLEN!!!

(Spotlights shine on the side door, where Edward is supposed to come in. Nothing happens.)

Jimmy: Bum bum buuuuummmmm…

Lyn: SHANNON!!!

(The giant TV turns on with a pic of Shannon on it.)

Shannon: Heya guys! (She's sitting on a beach with a coconut.)

Liz: Shannon… aren't you supposed to be at the Cullen's house, getting Edward? Like, NOW?

Shannon: I'm on vacation. Go get Bob or Stu. IS THAT JIMMY BUFFETT???

Lyn: Why, yes, it is.

Shannon: I'm on my way!

(Not three seconds pass and Shannon breaks into the already vandalized studio with Edward Cullen)

Everyone, including Wyatt and Jimmy Buffett: EDWARD CULLEN!

Edward: Where's Bella? This lady told me she'd be here!

Lyn: Well, she was, but not anymore. She got sent by catapult back to Forks.

Liz: First question! You were turned into a vampire almost 100 years ago. What do you remember about your human life, and do you miss it?

Edward: (Look into deep space) I remember this really hot girl…

Lyn: What about BELLA?

Edward: Oh, this girl was waaaaaaayyyy hotter than her. But, um, she kinda died. So…

Wyatt: How hot was she?

Edward: WAAAAAAAAAYYYY hot. Like, hotter than the sun, hot. Y'know what I mean?

Wyatt: Oh yeah.

Edward: But, y'know, I really don't miss her. I can live forever now. So, yeah. And no, I don't miss my human life.

Liz: Next question: Do you like Jimmy Buffett?

Jimmy: Bum bum buuuummm…

Edward: Um… I… guess…

Lyn: YAY!!! JIMMY BUFFETT!!!

Wyatt: Would you like a top hat?

Edward: Uh. NO?

Liz: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU REFUSE THE TOP HAT!!! NOW YOU MUST SUFFFFFEEEEERRRRR!!!

(Turns on the gynormous TV which has a clip of Bella dangling over a giant pot of flaming hot dogs.)

Edward: Bella, Bella! BELLLAAAAA!

(Bella walks in.) Bella: What's your problem???

Everyone: OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!

Edward: What? What? What? I thought you were dangling over a giant pot of flaming hot dogs!!!

Bella: I bet you wouldn't worry about me if that girl from your time was around, the one hotter than me, y'know???

Edward: Uh, yeah, about that… IT WAS JUST A QUESTION! I HAD TO ANSWER IT SOMEHOW!!!

Bella: No you didn't, you didn't have to answer anything!

(Bella and Edward get into a huge argument that you'll have to make up, because we were too lazy to write it down. Then we put them on that giant catapult and Edward got a cheese top hat that he refused to wear but we stuck it on him anyway. Then they were catapulted back to Forks.)

Jimmy: That's the end, I guess.

Liz: SING IT!

Jimmy: THAT'S THE END I GUESS!

Wyatt: See ya! I gotta go box a kangaroo. Tune in next time for ESME!!!

Crowd: BOO.

Wyatt: Don't worry. Something crazy will happen. It's the Pina Colata show, for Pete's sake!!!

Lyn: Who's Pete? Really, who is he? PETE??? PETE???


	4. Esme Kinda

The PINA COLATA show STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN

Lyn: I'm sorry, the PINA COLATA show was canceled today. Instead of annoying Twilight characters (Esme) we will be interviewing HERMANN T. NUCLEUS.

Liz: YAY!

Lyn: … … … I thought I was the crazy one.

Liz: You are.

Lyn: Okay. PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME (but not too warm) TO HERMANN T. NUCLEUS!!!!!!

HTN: Salutations.

Lyn: Hi.

Liz: What up?

HTN: You two are so idyllic.

Liz: What about being purple???

Lyn: NO! Purple is a color made up by CRAYOLA! (Starts hitting Liz with a piece of raw bacon.) IT'S VIOLET!! VIO-LET!

Liz: Okay! Okay! VIOLET!

Lyn: Good. Mr. Nucleus? Uh… Mr. Nucleus???

(Turns around and finds Hermann T. Nucleus tied up to a giant carrot by Esme.) (Esme starts turning red and steam comes out of her ears.) (Lyn and Liz turn white with fright.)

Liz: Uh… SHANNON! STU! BOB! I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU TO KEEP HER OUT OF OUR STUDIO???

Bob: She's really strong for a girl who tried to commit suicide!

Shannon: And Stu wasn't even with us! He was with Emeril the entire time!

Wyatt: Where'd she get the giant carrot?

Lyn: STU? WHERE ARE YOU?

(The giant TV screen pops back up and shows Stu and Emeril having a tea party with little tiny cookies.)

Liz: Oh. I want a little tiny cookie.

(A random British guy named Cornwallis pops up.)

Cornwallis: Biscuits! Biscuits for sale! (Holds up a giant box of cookies.)

Lyn: They're COOKIES, not BISCUITS! (Tackles Cornwallis and starts beating him with the giant carrot that still has Hermann T. Nucleus tied to it.)

Cornwallis: We also sell crumpets…

Lyn: BISCUITS!!! NOT CRUMPETS!!!

Liz: Why'd you beat that guy up? British people can do what they want. We're Americans.

Lyn: Exactly. We earned our independence in 1776. If I wanna beat up a British guy for calling cookies biscuits, I will.

Esme: I STILL EXIST! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CANCELLED MY SHOW FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH A NUCLEUS!!!

Liz: What do you have against Nucleus?

Esme: Nothing you can prove.

Lyn: Oh-kay then. Well, since you're here… OH, look! It's Emeril! Emeril! Emeril? Why can't you do that poofy thing like you always do? GETOVERHERE!

(Emeril pops out of nowhere as if he didn't want to, but had to.)

Emeril: What do you want?

Lyn: I want… a flaming pickle thrower!

Emeril: Uhhh… as… you wish? (Emeril disappears)

Esme: What are you going to do with a flaming pickle thrower?

(Emeril reappears and hands Lyn the flaming pickle thrower.)

Lyn: MUHAHAHAHAHA! TASTE MY PICKLES! (Starts shooting the flaming pickles at Esme.)

(Hermann T. Nucleus and Liz are patiently waiting for Lyn to stop her rampage.)

Lyn: WHY—ISN'T---SHE---DYING???

HTN: She's reveling in her ire.

Liz: (Looks blankly.) What about purple?

Lyn: VIOLET!!!

Liz: --Violet.

HTN: Trying to murder Esme is a boondoggle. She cannot die.

Lyn: CURSE YOU LOGIC!!!!!

Cornwallis: Do you want some biscuits or crumpets or NOT???

Lyn: ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! (She finally loses it and starts turning purple) VIOLET! (Ehem, Violet and growing to something that resembles the Hulk, except she still has her shirt on and she is still beautiful.)

Liz: Calm down, Lyn… it's okay… (Pulls out violet (see, I got it right that time) jelly and gives it to the hulklike Lyn.)

Wyatt: Why does purple—

Lyn: VIOLET!

Wyatt: --violet jelly make her so calm?

Liz: No one knows.

HTN: Uh… ladies? It appears that Esme is a gynormous narcissist.

Liz: What about being purple?

Lyn: VIOLET!!

HTN: It means that ESME IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF US IF YOU DON'T ASK HER A FREAKING QUESTION!

Liz: Really? (Pulls a dictionary out of thin air.) No it doesn't.

HTN: She seems angry to be in oblivion.

Liz: WHAT ABOUT PUR—VIOLET?

(Lyn glares at Liz.)

Lyn: Now that I am calmed by the magical healing properties of the purple—

Everyone in the studio: VIOLET!

Lyn: --Excuse me? Purple jelly, let's get on with the show. So, Hermann, what do you like about being a nucleus so much?

Esme: I THOUGT IT WAS MY SHOW, NOT THIS FRICKING NUCLEUS GUY!

Liz: Uh. He's a nucleus, not a guy.

HTN: Well, I would consider myself a hedonist. Not really a nucleus, but I love this job because I am allowed to finagle my way to the top!

Liz and Lyn: What about being purple?

Wyatt: VIOLET!

(Lyn starts hitting herself with Liz's dictionary)

Lyn: VIOLET, VIOLET, VIOLET!!!

(Now Esme goes on a rampage, screaming the names of various cheeses at the top of her lungs while tearing down vicious curtains and beating Hermann T. Nucleus with a crumpet.)

Lyn: BISCUIT!

(Correction: Biscuit.)

Esme: THIS IS MY SHOW, AND THAT UGLY NUCLEUS MAN IS NOT GOING TO RUIN IT!

(Grabs Hermann and throws him out of a window.)

Liz: Hey, we never had a window.

Lyn: Didn't we throw Mr. F. out a window?

Liz: Yeah, I guess we did. Mr. F. ? Will you clean this up while we calm Esme?

Mr. F.: I guess… like I have a choice.

Lyn: Anyway, first question. What—

Wyatt: ooh. Looks like we're out of time, folks. See you on the next episode of THE PINA COLATA SHOW!!!!

(Esme ogles at a blackened screen.)

Liz: What about being purple?

Lyn: VIOLET!


	5. Real Emmett and Rosalie

Okey, peoples. Sorry about that one, I (Liz) was being an idiot and we (Liz and Lyn (yes, she takes credit for this one, too)) didn't check it. Take these three new chapters as our apology. The PINA COLATA show STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN

Liz: Welcome back to the PINA COLATA show. This time we are interviewing ROSALIE and EMMETT.

Lyn: PINA COLATA!

Liz: We thought that they'd be to boring apart, because we can only ridicule them for their stuck-up attitudes and weakness. And that wouldn't be enough to fill one whole show, so we'll put them together.

Lyn: And if you're wondering what happened to Esme, she kinda… uh, went back to Forks, and hopefully forgot about the whole thing, unless somebody (glares at Liz) sent that letter that wasn't supposed to leave my room.

Liz: Uhh, erm. Yeah, about that.

Lyn: YOU SENT IT?? YOU IDIOT! THAT EXPRESSED MY DEEPEST DARKEST FEELINGS ABOUT ESME, MOSTLY ABOUT BURNING HER AND SUFFOCATING HER UNDER A BLANKET.

Liz: Well, I dunno! How was I supposed to know? You told me to "make myself at home!"

Lyn: Well, you could have read it first!

Liz: But that would have been rude.

Lyn: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, let's check in with Bob, Stu, and Shannon.

(The gynormous TV turns on, but instead of Bob, Stu, and/or Shannon, there is Wyatt and Emeril outside the Cullen's house with a banjo and bagpipes.)

Liz: Why the banjo and bagpipes?

Emeril: Uhh… Shannon told us to come here and Bob just… gave these to us.

Wyatt: These bagpipes go so well with my top hat.

Lyn: GEEZ! DON'T YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THE BAGPIPES AND THE BANJO ARE ROSALIE'S WORST ENEMIES???

Emeril: Since when?

Liz: Since we made it up. Either use them as bait, or get out of there! Oh, and give Shannon her money back.

Emeril and Wyatt: Fiiiinnnneee.

(they drop the instruments and start whistling)

Lyn: What's with you guys doing stuff today? It's really out of character. Shouldn't Wyatt be standing on the sidelines, only making an occasional comment, and Emeril be poofing out of nowhere?

Wyatt: You know, we decided to do something today, so why don't we just get on with getting the people?

(Emeril pulls out an Emmett voice disguiser while Wyatt plays the bagpipes. Rosalie looks out the window and gets caught Emeril's magical spiderweb powers along with Emmett who just recently came to the window. They are both loaded into a giant catapult and shot to the studio.)

At the studio…

Liz: What's taking them so long???!!!

(They come crashing through the roof.)

Mr. F.: Aw, come on! I just cleaned that!

Lyn: --Anyway, First Question!

Emmett: Woah, woah, woah, hang on a durn second.

Liz: Question: Who says DURN anymore?

Lyn: When did anyone, ever, say DURN??

Emmett: I just—uh—I just, say it, okay? It's just a word? I don't go around saying Who says PINA COLATA anymore, do I???

Lyn: (gets angry) NO! DO NOT MAKE FUN OF THE NAME! (starts hitting Emmett with a rubber duck)

Liz: Yes, the Pina Colata is a delicious tropical drink (Not that I would know, that's what I've heard) and durn sounds like you're stupid or something.

Lyn: I've only had the non-alchaholic kind. Speaking of… EMERIL! Get me a PINA COLATA! WITH PAPYA!

Liz: Papaya is a fun word to say!

Lyn: Papaya

Liz: Papaya

Lyn: Papaya

Liz: Papaya

Rosalie: (To Emmett) Why don't you just punch 'em, or something?

Emmett: Good idea. I wish I thought of that three papaya's ago.

Wyatt: Hey, you don't beat up the hosts! That's just not cool.

(Liz and Lyn are still speaking Papaya to each other when Emmett comes up behind them. Right when he was going to punch them, the two papaya obsessed girls turn around and start laughing in his face)

Rosalie: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? HE WAS ABOUT TO PUNCH YOU!

Lyn: Well, uh, he lost to Bella…

Liz: IN ARM WRESTLING!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lyn: I bet Wyatt could beat him!

Emmett: Is that an insult?

Liz: Uh, no. Shall we?

(all of the sudden, the studio turns into an arm wrestling arena, with Wyatt in one corner and Emmett in the other.)

Emmett: W---what---where did this all come from???

Lyn: Well, since we're not paying Mr. F., we had a little extra cash, you know. So we turned the whole thing into half arm wrestling arena!

Liz: WOOOO!!!

(Both of the guys step up to the table with wimpy little Wyatt and huge Emmett.)

Lyn and Liz: READY, SET… WRRRRREEEEESSSSSLLLLLLEEEEEE!

(Not five seconds into the game Wyatt brings Emmett's hand down on the table.)

Lyn: WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

Emmett: Wha-what-where-WHAAA???

Liz: See, we told you you would lose to Wyatt.

Emmett: Two outta three!

Lyn: BRING IN MR. F.!!!!!! THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Mr. F.: (cricket sounds) shut up, cricket.

(maid-dressed Mr. F. steps up to the table with gynormous Emmett!)

Liz: THREE, TWO, ONE! WRRRREEEESSSSTTTTLLLLLEEEE!!

(Five seconds into the match, Mr. F. slams Emmett's hand onto the table.)

Lyn: WE HAVE ANOTHER WINNER!

(Emmet gawks at Mr. F. in his maid suit.)

Mr. F.: What? It's slimming.

Liz and Lyn: Ha ha! Rosalie, you have a weak boyfriend! HA HA!

Rosalie: PICKLES, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Lyn: Now that that's done, first question: Rosalie, in the movie, why did you break that bowl??? It's not nice.

Liz: And it had perfectly good salad in it, and now we can't eat it. That was terribly rude.

Rosalie: Well, I don't really care! I can't eat! GAWSH! (she starts ranting and screaming at the top of her lungs.)

Lyn: Oh geez. Emeril, bring me the pur---ehem, violet jelly!

(Emeril appears with the magical violet jelly) (Lyn tries to feed the jelly to Rosalie, but she refuses to eat it, and just as Emeril was trying to disappear, she clings to him and (with the help of the gynormous TV) Liz and Lyn and Wyatt and Mr. F. and Emmett watch in horror as Rosalie runs rampage in Emeril's kitchen, breaking every single bowl he owns.)

Emeril: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY BOWLS!!

Liz: Okayyy… uh… SECURITY!

(Shannon, Stu, Bob, and a blind dude named Nance E. Cheese all run into the studio, load Emmett and Rosalie into the catapult, and shoot it back to Forks.)

Lyn: Thankfully, that's over with.

Liz: Uh, ye-ah. Tune in next time when we annoy CHARLIE AND RENEE!!!

Lyn: Another joint episode because they're WAAAAAAAAAAY to boring!!!!

Liz: SEEYA SOON!


	6. Charlie and Renee

The PINA COLATA show STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN

Lyn: Hello, peoples, it was my turn to start the show!!! So HI PEOPLES!!!

Liz: I bet you're wondering who we're interviewing today—I'll tell you, it's no one important.

Lyn: I bet you know who that is. PLEASE WELCOME CHARLIE and RENEE!!!

(Charlie and Renee come in through the side door!)

Charlie: We're not important??

Liz: Well, no. No, you're not.

Renee: (Trembling) MUST…. CLEAN! MATERNAL… INSTINCT!!! (She kneels on the floor and starts wiping it with an old fashioned mop!)

Lyn: I guess Mr. F. has a day off!

(Mr. F. pops out of nowhere with Emeril)

Mr. F.: YES!!!

(he disappears, leaving Emeril.)

Emeril: What do you want?

Lyn: Well, this is about the time that I ask you to go get me some random food. I'm just planning ahead. How about you get me a MEAT PIE!!!

Liz: HEY, I'm obsessed with SWEENEY TODD right now!

Lyn: Well, I called him. I can do whatever I want.

Liz: WHAT-EVER!

Lyn: Anyway, Charlie. First question…

Liz: Can you tell us about your affair with Carlisle?

Charlie: What are you talking about???

Lyn: We know, you know, and half of America knows. SPIT IT OUT!!!

Charlie: I still don't know what you're talking about.

Liz: Lyn just said you know, so you must know! Or else she would be lying.

Charlie: Okaaayyy… he's nice, he has great hair, he's a good doctor, and… uh… he's married.

Lyn: ESME SHOULD DIE IN A FREAKING FLAMING HOLE!!!

Liz: We already called him!

Renee: (Too busy cleaning the bathrooms to notice any of our conversation.)

(Emeril reappears with Lyn's meat pie)

Emeril: Fresh from the oven.

Lyn: What is that?

Liz: It's priest.

(Liz and Lyn go into the Sweeney Todd song "A Little Priest" with Liz as Mrs. Lovett and Lyn as Sweeney Todd. We won't list this because we'd probably annoy you.)

Lyn: Sorry 'bout that. Continuing…

Liz: JUST REVEAL THE DETAILS!! Wait… that's odd.

Lyn: What's odd other than the fact that we just sang a Sweeney Todd song in a Twilight Fanfic?

Liz: Well, it's about this time that interviewee flees.

Lyn: Oh yeah, you're right.

Liz: Charlie and Renee, why haven't you fled yet?

Charlie: There's no reason to.

Lyn: Beg to differ.

Renee: I'm finished cleaning! Now, are there any questions you have for me???

Liz: Uh… well, let's take a question from the studio audience.

Lyn: STUDIO AUDIENCE???

Crowd Member 562: Renee, why did you dump Charlie for Phil?

Charlie: Yeah… why did you?

Renee: Well, first of all, I hate the name Charlie. It's so… boring.

Liz: Well, Phil is boring, too.

Lyn: Are we even going to interview Phil?

Liz: No, probably not. WHY HAVEN'T THEY LEFT YET???

Lyn: Because they're so Hippopottomozo.

Liz: What does that mean? Is that even in the dictionary???

Lyn: Yeah, it is.

Liz: (Pulls out her dictionary) Really? No it isn't.

Lyn: (Pulls out a dictionary that is titled '1,000 Words that are Apparently Made Up') Yeah it is. It's right here, between Palmalo and Vasospasms.

Liz: (Rolls eyes.) Continuing… (whispers) they're still not leaving…

Lyn: Let's go see what Shannon, Stu, and Bob are doing.

(Liz turns on the gynormous TV and it shows Shannon and Bob at Charlie's house.)

Shannon: Oh geez. Uh, hey guys. Sorry we couldn't find them. They're just… kinda, not here. And they're not coming out to any of our threats.

Liz: What did you threaten them with?

Bob: We threatened them with… well, we threw raw eggs at their house, we threatened to take Bella and tie her to a rocket and blast her off to the moon, and more recently, we tried to force them to come out by using broccoli.

Lyn: Well, guys… they're kinda… here.

Shannon: Ah… that's why nothing happened when we threw a nuclear bomb at their house.

Liz: Where was Stu in all this?

Bob: He's in the house stealing the toaster.

(Renee and Charlie have huge question marks on their faces.)

(Lady Question Mark (we really don't know) pops in)

LQM: Gimmee those question marks. (disappears)

Lyn: Hey, I got a decent question!

Liz: Hm. Yeah, that one is pretty good. (glances at Lyn's question card)

Lyn: This one's from Ohmydearsweetlord. 'What do you think about your daughter being married, being a vampire, and having a child?'

Renee: WHAT???

Liz: Oh, yeah. They didn't know that yet, Lyn.

Lyn: Oh… yeah. Duh. Anyway—(She cuts Charlie off as he's about to say something) That's the end of our show.

Wyatt: Yes, that is the end. If you happen to know how to get rid of two crazy girls who just happened to have made you up, call me. Really. Seriously. Call me.

Liz and Lyn: BUT WE LUB U WYATT!!!

Wyatt: CALL. PLEASE.


	7. Jasper

The PINA COLATA show STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN

Liz: HEY! What up, peeps? Today we will have the hilarious pleasure of annoying—

Lyn: JASPER!!! YAY!!

Liz: Well, at least he's better than last episode. YAY!

Lyn: Let's tune in on Shannon and Bob, since Stu was fired, so we have even more extra cash!

Liz: Whoopdedoo.

Lyn: Oh, look, my lizard!

(There is a blue elastic thing sitting on the ground near Lyn's feet, roughly shaped like a lizard.)

Liz: Aw, he's so cute~.

Lyn: His name's Barty, after the coolest djinni in the world!

Liz: who would that be?

Lyn: it's BARTIMAEUS!!! Yay!!

Liz: Who?

Lyn: You know, in our next series of shows, we'll be annoying Bartimaeus characters. SO IF YOU WANT TO KEEP READING ABOUT OUR DUMB ADVENTURES, PLEASE READ THE BARTIMAEUS TRILOGY. Thank you. That's enough self-advertising.

Liz: It's time we did check on Shannon and Bob.

Lyn: FINE.

(The Gynormous TV turns on and Bob and Shannon are standing outside of the Cullen's house, dancing the Macarena.)

Lyn: Why are you guys dancing the Macarena?

Bob: Oh, you guys are here.

Liz: Is that some sort of weird way to lure Jasper out of his house?

Shannon: Uh, no. We just wanted to dance the Macarena.

Lyn: WELL, THAT'S NOT HELPING THE CAUSE.

Bob: What cause?

Lyn: The get-Jasper-out-of-his-house CAUSE!!!

Shannon: OOOOOOOOHHHHHH. Yeah. I don't remember signing up for that cause.

Liz: YOU DID WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT. GET JASPER'S SORRY VAMPIRE BUTT OUT OF THAT HOUSE!!!!!

Bob: We kind of are. The landlord is inside of that house trying to force Jasper out of there. (he glares pointedly at Shannon)

Shannon: Fine, fine. I'll do it. (In some magical wave of mysterious power, Shannon becomes virtually identical to the pirate landlord.)

Lyn: Don't the Cullen's own their own land? And why would you trust your land with a pirate?

Liz: To answer those questions, apparently not, and why would a pirate own land, anyway?

Lyn: I don't know.

(Within the next thirty seconds, Jasper comes screaming out of the house, and Shannon comes up behind him with a scimitar. Then, almost instantaneously, he comes crashing into the studio)

Liz: Woah. How'd you get there so fast?

Jasper: Ummmmmmm…………

Lyn: He can run fast, duh. Anyway, Jasper, did you know that you actually have more fangirls than Edward, except your fangirls are quieter?

Jasper: REALLY?

Liz: No. Everyone hates you, Jasper. Do the math.

Lyn: You don't even have a power.

Jasper: (Glares) Yeah, I do. Carlisle doesn't.

Liz: Yeah, but he has awesome hair. That's a power in itself.

Lyn: First question. If you didn't have Alice, who would you take?

Jasper: Easy. I'd take Esme.

Liz and Lyn: WHATTTT????

Jasper: Well, Esme's smart, pretty, and she was voted least likely to go die in a hole in highschool.

Lyn: WHAAATTT??? Shoot. How anti-climactic is that? We want her to go die in a hole, and she was voted least likely to go die in a hole. Second question: Would you like to see my lizard?

Jasper: Uh, no.

Liz: NOOOOOOOO!!! YOU CANNOT REFUSE BARTY!

Lyn: AAAAHHH. My spoon's gone. EMERIL!

(Emeril shows up)

Emeril: Oh, I kinda used it to eat my cereal this morning. Sorry, Lyn. Here you go.

Lyn: Why thank you, Emeril. Isn't he great?

Jasper: But he just took your spoon without asking!

Lyn: But he makes really good cornbread. Speaking of, Emeril?

Emeril: Okey doke! It's the least I can do, since I took your spoon. (Disappears.)

Liz: Now, since we hit the third page, we must end the show so everyone can get on with their regular lives.

Lyn: Aw, but my regular life is boring.

Liz: Yes, but we must go on with our regular lives, because someday, something will happen, such as the hot dog guy outside, you know, the kinda stalker one, will turn out to be—

Lyn: LOOK HOW CUTE MY LIZARD IS!!!!

Liz: AAAAWWWW, its so cuuuttteee!

Lyn: HE'S LICKING HIS TOE!!!

Liz and Lyn: AWWWWW…

(Wyatt pops out of nowhere, Emeril style)

Wyatt: I gotsa present! (Pulls out a mini-top hat, just big enough to fit on Barty's cute lizardy head.)

Liz: AWWWWW!

Lyn: This is a family moment. GET A PICTURE!!!! Jasper, you're not important, take a picture!

(Suddenly, everyone from the Pina Colada show family pops out of nowhere to get in the picture of this cute family moment) (Jasper pulls out a camera)

Jasper: Say CHEESE!

Everyone in the Pina Colada show family: TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FISH!

Lyn: Oh, wait! Wyatt, you closed your eyes. TAKE ANOTHER PICTURE!

Everyone in the Pina Colada show family: TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FISH!

Liz: Oh, no! Barty blinked! TAKE ANOTHER ONE!

Barty: …

Jasper: …

Wyatt: … Okay, it's over, people. END!


	8. Alice

**The PINA COLADA show**

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Lyn:Hola, peoples! Como esta—aw, screw this. Hello, peoples, what up?

Liz:Today we will be annoying—

Lyn:NO, I BROKE MY FORK!!!!

Liz:…That's the second silverware joke you've made in two episodes. What are we gonna do with you?

Lyn:You're gonna take me to the silverware store and buy me a new fork!

Liz:(Rolls eyes) Fiine.

Wyatt: Can I come?

Lyn:SURE!

Shannon: (Pops up out of nowhere, again, Emeril style) So, you guys are gonna take an expedition to the silverware store in the middle of a show? You haven't even told 'em who we're interviewing yet.

Lyn:So. I broke my fork. That's more important than entertaining our audience.

Audience: BOO! Oh, wait, she's kinda right.

Liz:Okay, let's get goin'.

(Later, at the silverware store…)

Lyn:Okay, I got it. Let's go—

Liz:Wait a minute, that spiky-haired girl. Isn't she…

Wyatt:Hot?

Lyn:I can't answer that without sounding lesbian.

Liz:No, idiots. She's ALICE. ALICE CULLEN. The girl we're supposed to interview.

Lyn:Oh, I guess it is. Anyway, I think I'll go with the fork with the bunny on it.

Liz:Aw, come on. (grabs Lyn's arm and pulls her through the store.)

Wyatt:Aww… I wanted a pair of golden prongs.

(On the outside…)

Liz:Hey, spiky girl!

Alice:Yeah?

Lyn:If you don't mind, we're gonna kidnap you and drag you to our studio and make you answer revealing questions that we really don't care about!!

Alice:No way!

Liz:Uh, no way? You can't—oh, wait, yeah, you're not the first to say that.

Alice:I'm not surprised.

Lyn:We were going to have Shannon and Bob kidnap you, but since we ran into you, we're gonna just do it!

Alice:No!

Wyatt: (Pulls out a pocketwatch on a string) YOU WILL.

Alice:I… will…

Liz:Woah, Wyatt—

Emeril:Ssshhh. He's concentrating on his lessons from Hypnotist School.

Liz:Emeril— What? Hypnotist school?

Emeril:SSSSHHH!

Wyatt:Yeah, I went to hypnotist school before I went to top hat salesman school.

Emeril:SSSSHHH!!

Liz:Fine—

Emeril:SSSSHHHH!

Liz:I'm just not gonna say anything anymore.

Emeril:SHSSHSHSHSHSHSHHH!

Wyatt:YOU WILL…

Alice:Yes. I will…

Wyatt:YOU WILL COME WITH US TO THE STUDIO AND ANSWER ALL OUR QUESTIONS TRUTHFULLY.

Alice:I… will…

Wyatt:Good! (Snaps pocket watch shut.) Now, would you like a top hat?

Alice:No way!

Lyn:Gasp! Liz, why does no one want Wyatt's top hats?

Liz:I dunno. Anyway, let's get back to the studio!

(At the studio)

Lyn:Alice, intense interrogation time: WHAT DOES OUR FUTURE HOLD!?

Alice:You will get three hundred reviews and stalker hot dog salesman will break in, shooting you with Pirelli's Miracle Elixir.

Liz:YAY! … Ew.

Lyn:Next question: This is from So-And-So: Why is your fashion sense so bad?

Alice:WHAT??? WHO SAID THAT???

Liz:All it says is So-And-So.

Alice:RRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!

Lyn:EMERIL, BOB, SHANNON! GET THE PUR- VIOLET JELLY!!!

(Emeril, Bob, and Shannon come rushing into the studio with the violet jelly)

Bob:Here, eat this. It'll help calm down.

Alice:RRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRRR! NEVER!!!

Shannon: It'll give you a better fashion sense.

Alice:Raa- okay. (she obediently eats the violet jelly.)

Lyn:Good, good, calm down. Answer the question.

Alice:I do not have a bad fashion sense.

Liz:Good, good, good answer. Next question: What does our future hold?

Lyn:Ooooh, yes, this is a good one!

Alice:I already told you, the same thing. Except the hot dog guy isn't spraying you with Pirelli's Miracle Elixir anymore, he's spraying you with hot sauce.

Liz:Okay. Good, good, good.

Lyn:Next question: If you were a llama and you said moo, what would people think of you?

Alice:What kind of question is that?

Liz:Wait, there's an envelope here. It's from—from… Uneta Life.

Wyatt: Read it!

Lyn:I—it doesn't say anything. It's just a picture with a phone number.

Liz:Alice, I think Uneta Life.

Wyatt:No way! She's Mine! BUTT OUT UNETA! Wait, what was her last name?

Lyn:I dunno. Bath? Brain? Fingernail?

Alice:LIFE! UNETA LIFE!

Liz:Alice, shut your mouth! That's a terrible thing to say.

Alice: Huh?

Lyn:FINAL QUESTION: What does our future hold?

Alice:Lemmee see… (Pretends to concentrate really hard) YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T END THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW!!

Emeril: Okay, I guess we should end the show right now! Review new foods to me, so I can cook up things! BYA!


	9. Seth Clearwater

**The PINA COLADA show**

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Liz: WAZZUP?

Lyn:THE SKY!

Liz:(Looks up) No, actually, I just see the ceiling.

Lyn:Wait, wait wait. I think I see our stage manager, Crispin, working the lights. HI CRISPIN!

Liz:Okay, Liz, focus. Today, we will be annoying SETH CLEARWATER!

Lyn:Hey, we had to!

Liz:Anyway, let's use our cameras—

Lyn:CAMERAS!

Liz:To check in—

Lyn:CHECK IN!

Liz:On Bob and Shannon.

Lyn:ACTION!

Bob:Okay guys, (whispering) on the count of three, we're gonna break in and tackle him to the ground. Everyone know the plan?

Stu:Uh, no.

Shannon: Stu? What are you doing here? Get away!

Bob: Anyway, one… twoo… two and a half… two and a penny… two and a half penny… ooh, a stick of gum!

Shannon: BOB!

Bob: What, I was counting my money. Anyway… THREE!

(They quietly tiptoe into a door. There, Seth is trying to draw the rain.)

Seth:HEY! STAY STILL! STOP MOVING! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!! (He takes his clipboard thing and throws it into the window, shattering the glass.)

Lyn:Is he trying to draw rain? MAYBE WE'LL BE FAMOUS!

Liz:Why would we be famous for his drawing?

Lyn:CAUSE WE'LL TAKE CREDIT FOR IT!

Lyn and Liz: YAAAAYY!!!

(By the time Liz and Lyn were done with their conversation, Bob and Shannon had already captured Seth and brought him into the studio, where he was placed in a conveniently located large bubble.)

Seth:WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Lyn:To ask you questions.

Seth:WHAT? YOU KIDNAP ME SO YOU CAN ASK ME SOME STUPID QUESTIONS?

Lyn:No, these aren't just questions. These are questions you have to look deep inside yourself to find the answer to.

Seth:Okay. Shoot.

Liz:With pleasure (pulls out a BB gun.)

Lyn:I don't think that's what he means.

Liz:Aww… just one?

Lyn:NO!

Liz:Please? After the show?

Lyn:Aw, fine. That is, if we don't end early.

Seth:Hello! Stuck in a bubble here!

Liz:Yes, we realized that a few minutes ago.

Lyn:FIRST QUESTION! Do penguins have knees?

Seth:W- ah- wha—what sort of question is that?

Liz:It's a question, yes or no?

Seth:Yes—uh, no! No, wait, yes! Maybe? I don't know!

Lyn:And here to answer that question is my good friend, Senor FROSTYFEET! (nothing happens.) SENOR FROSTYFEET! Shannon, where's Senor Frostyfeet?

Shannon: He got stuck in traffic!

Liz:Now we may never know. Next question… Can you cry underwater?

Seth:Uh, I don't know.

Lyn:Would you be willing to try?

Seth:No.

Lyn:Please?

Seth: No.

Lyn:Pretty please?

Seth:No.

Lyn:Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Seth:No.

Lyn:Pretty please with children on top?

Seth:What? Ew.

Lyn:Aw, dang. I thought that one would get him. Anyway, next question: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Seth:Uh, no?

Liz:Why?

Seth:'Cause the rest of them don't want to die?

Lyn:Good answer… but not good enough. Next: If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself…

Liz:Is it a hostage situation?

Seth:Uh… yes?

Lyn:Why?

Seth:WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME WHY?

Liz:WHY DON'T YOU JUST ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS WHEN WE ASK YOU WHY?

Seth:Because… OH, I DON'T KNOW!

Lyn:Well, Seth, you were completely useless.

Wyatt:Yeah.

Emeril: (Pops out of nowhere) Do you need food? You haven't called me, yet.

Wyatt: Don't give him food. He'll just eat it.

Lyn:Get me fruit loop lasagna with kiwi.

Liz:ANYWAY, let's bring this to a close.

Emeril: End says the person who no longer has the desire to fetch fruit loop lasagna with kiwi.


	10. Jacob

**The PINA COLADA show**

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Lyn:Hey-o hi-o what up-o! Welcome-o to the show-o!

Liz:Are you going to talk like that the whole episode?

Lyn:No-o.

Liz:Getting to the point, today we have to do our community service!

Lyn:On our way to becoming crime overlords, we started out with the simplest trick in the book. We were caught stealing candy from a baby.

Liz:It's only because you had to stop and look at the puppies.

Lyn:But they were so cute!

Liz:But, since we are celebrities, we were allowed the best community service—we were allowed to do POLICE SERVICE!!!

Lyn:YYYAAAYYY!

Liz:But… shall we tell you our carefully organized oh-so crimelordish plan?

Audience: YES!

Lyn:Okay, then we won't. You're just gonna have to keep on listening or reading or whatever you guys are doing in Bramerica. Or Oblivia. Or Atlantis. Or some other place that we've never heard of.

Liz:Anyway, let's get on with it.

(Later, driving along a highway in Forks.)

Lyn:Wait, that guy looks like he's speeding!

Liz:Pull 'em over!

(One pullover later)

Mysterious Man: Yes, officers?

Lyn:Can we see your driver's license?

MM:Uh, sure.

Liz:Thank you, Mr. Black OR SHOULD I SAY Jacob Black!

Lyn:Uh, Liz, that was the guy we were supposed to interview.

Liz:Sir, please come out and walk in a straight line.

(Jacob does it and passes with flying colors)

Lyn:I don't know about you, Liz, but he looked a little tipsy to me.

Liz:Give him the breathalyzer.

Lyn:Hmm… zero. Alright, Mr. Black, we're bringing you in!

(One bring in later)

Jacob:Hey, this isn't jail!

Liz:It's like jail!

Both: MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Jacob:Why am I going to wish that I was in jail?

Lyn:Beg to differ.

Liz:You are going to wish you were in HE double hockeysticks!

Jacob:He- he- hel- ohh god.

Liz:Right. Anyway, would you like to find out what would happen if we killed you?

Lyn:It's called the CHAIN REACTION OF KILLING JACOB BLACK!

Jacob:Sure.

Lyn:We hope to accomplish this by… (Wyatt hands her a calendar.) Next month.

Liz:Killing Jacob…

Lyn:Would kill Reneesme…

Liz:Which would kill Bella…

Lyn:Which would kill Edward…

Liz:Which would kill Alice…

Lyn:Which would kill Jasper…

Liz:Which would kill either Rosalie or Emmett because they do what the crowd is doing.

Lyn:Which would kill vice versa…

Liz:Which would kill Esme…

Lyn:Which would kill Carlisle,

Both:And all along the way there would be a bunch of mini deaths that no one cares about!

Jacob:Wow. Now I can take more liberty not to die!

Lyn:No, that's not the point!

Jacob:What is the point?

Liz:We really don't know.

Lyn:You know, I hate you. You imprinted on Reneesme. You should have just killed her.

Liz:But that would have killed Bella.

Lyn:Which would have killed Edward…

Liz:Which would have killed Alice…

(Jacob slips away while he had the chance and his kidnappers were speaking of the chain of killing Reneesme.)

Lyn:Which would kill… Hey, where'd he go?

Liz:Dunno. I guess that's the end of the episode, though.

Lyn:Aw, man. That's the end of our character list.

Liz:Then let's ask the viewers. Which one of the shows was your favorite?

Lyn:Yeah, we need at least ten reviews on that subject to finally write the end. SO REVIEW PEOPLE!

Wyatt: That's the end, I'm afraid. Now go home and mourn for your undead fish. Or if your fish is dead, mourn for him.


	11. THE FINAL CHAPTER

**The PINA COLADA show**

**STARRING LIZ AND LYN AND WYATT THE TOP HAT SALESMAN**

Liz:I LIKE ALBINO PEACOCKS!!!!

Lyn:I have a picture of one RIGHT HERE! It's in my wallet!!!

Liz:LET ME SEE!

Lyn:Wait, my WALLET'S GONE!

Emeril:(Pops up) You never had a wallet.

Lyn:Ohhh…

Liz:Anyway, we have a stellar show for you today!!!

Lyn:Super stellar! Bum bum bum bum bum bump!

Liz:It's long, well planned out, and hilario.

Lyn:So, let's go in our elevator and drive it up to the top of the studio thing.

Liz:We don't have a top floor…

Lyn:So? We have an elevator.

Liz:That makes perfect sense. Let's go!

(In the elevator… RANDOM CONVERSATION! …ten minutes later…)

Lyn:Since we've been standing here talking about I don't know what for ten whole minutes… --wait. We've been standing here for TEN WHOLE MINUTES? We haven't even moved!

Liz:I dunno. Maybe the elevator's jammed.

Lyn:THE ELEVATOR CAN'T BE JAMMED! I HAVE THE JAM RIGHT HERE! I USED IT ON MY TOES THIS MORNING! –er. Toast. Not toes, toast.

Liz:Oh look, an emergency alarm button! Push the button! PUSH THE BUTTON!!

Lyn:I'm pushing it! I'm pushing it already!

Button: _Brring. Brring._

Liz:That's not an alarm! That wouldn't even wake up my cat!

Lyn:You don't even have a cat.

Liz:Whatever! It wouldn't even wake up my fish! And my fish is always moving!

Lyn:Okay, okay, I'm not panicking! Whatever you do don't panic stop PANICKING! JUST STOP IT LIZ YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US BOTH!

Liz:(Slaps Lyn.)

Lyn:Whatja you do that for? Why didja slap me? You know I don't like it when you slap me.

Liz:Uh… er…

Lyn:STOP MUMBLING! You know I don't like it when you mumble!

Liz:If you just let me get a word in!

Lyn:SHADDUP! JUST SHADDUP! SHUT UP!

(Suddenly, the girls are on a random stage with a random Mexican guy named Pancho with a churro)

Pancho: Random Spanish Lesson! Algo sounds like I'll go. I'll go sounds like Algo.

Liz:What does Algo mean?

Pancho: Something.

Lyn:No, seriously, what does it mean?

Pancho: Something.

Liz:Well, of course it means something, we want you to tell us what it means.

Pancho: It means something.

Lyn:Gosh, if you're Mexican you should know what Algo means! What is the definition?

Pancho: AAAARRRGGGHHH! I GIVE UP! I QUIT!

Lyn:Can I have your churro?

Pancho: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Lyn:Fiinee. Gosh.

(All of a sudden, the girls are back in the elevator.)

Liz:AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Lyn:HOW DID WE GET STUCK IN THIS ELEVATOR, WHY DID WE GET STUCK IN THIS ELEVATOR, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF THIS ELEVATOR, NOW, I want that churro! HOW DID WE GET STUCK IN THIS ELEVATOR, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAD AN ELEVATOR!

Liz:Wait, there's still hope.

Lyn:Really?

Liz:Yes. There's a phone box.

Lyn:HUUUHH! Can we call someone to get churros? Can we call the churro guy?

Liz:No! We're gonna call Emeril and Wyatt—

Lyn:Ohh, so that he can get the churros!

Liz:No! To get us out of here!

Lyn:And _then_ we can get churros.

Liz:Sure, whatever. (Opens phone box)

Lyn:Well…?

Liz:(eye twitches) Th-th-t… there's n-no p-ph-phone.

Lyn:THERE'S NO PHONE? (at this point, our audience should be slapping their hands against their foreheads, muttering "you have got to be kidding me.) YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Liz:I am not kidding you, take a look.

Lyn:NOOOOOAOOOOOAOOOOOOAOOOOOOOAOOOOOOOOMOOOOOMOOOO!

Liz:HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR CHURROS???

Lyn:Fine, I'm going to do the oldest trick in the book. HEEEEELLLLPPPP! (Lyn starts banging on the door.)

(The doors open without a problem.)

Liz:OMG, it's our worst enemies!

Lyn:Esme, Stu, and Paul!

Paul:It's _Phil_!

Lyn:I like Paul. Can you change your name to Paul?

Phil (Paul?) : _**NO**_.

Lyn:Fiinnee.

Liz:Why did you… why did you rescue us?

Esme:Because we heard someone screaming for Churros and Paul wanted some, so we took the crowbar and pried the doors open.

Paul:IT'S _PHIL_! One syllable. Like Sleeping Beauty.

Lyn:Her name was Aurora.

Paul:I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PRINCE!

Liz:Oh, oh, Prince, um… DOPEY. I thought your name was Phil.

Paul:No, it's Paul… I mean… AURRRGH!

Lyn:So it is Paul.

Paul:NO! Oh, I give up.

Liz:Uh… wait. Where is Stu?

Lyn:I have a pretty good idea. EMERIL!

Emeril: (Pops up) Yes?

Lyn:Is Stu in your kitchen?

Emeril: I'll check. (Pops away and back) Yep.

Liz:What was he eating?

Emeril: Leftover Churros.

Lyn and Paul: NOOOOO! THOSE WERE MINE!

(And because Liz and Lyn were bored of this conversation, a giant gelatinous blob came in and ate everyone's shoelaces)

Audience member 1,600.952: Hey, my shoelaces are gone!

Audience member 65: Hey, mine too!

(And mine, and mine, and mine… etc.)

Esme:Ha! I'm not wearing shoelaces. I'm wearing heels.

Audience member 75: Screw you (kicks her in the shin.)

Liz:Okay guys, we really have to get on with the show.

Lyn:But the show's already been going on for 5 pages.

Liz:So? Time for awards section pagey thingamajig.

(Liz and Lyn step up to a stage, platform thingamajig (Man, I wish I knew that was a word before.))

Lyn:And… SPOTLIGHT! CAMERA! CHEESEBALLS, ACTION!

Liz:The winner of the Audience Vote Favorite…

Lyn:WILL BE ANNOUNCED AFTER THIS SHORT MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS.

Liz:Haha, fooled you, we have no sponsors, except Emeril and Wyatt the Top Hat salesman.

Lyn and Liz: We LOVE YOU EMERIL! WE LOVE YOU WYATT!

Lyn:So the winner is (Drumroll Please…)

Drummer: gojegoihawigfnwfhiwefiAWHGIUWrhgiouhgihbgIRWFIIJUFIUKJRFDIKUJRFIKUJRFRFIKUJKUJRFDKUJRFDSIKUJikrfdujrfdsikuufdukjhrfduyrfdsjhfdu7ijfiuhrfdujhfduihOijoh;h;hlglhl.

Lyn and Liz:SETH CLEARWATER!

Liz:Come on up here, you big furball. (Wedding music plays.)

Lyn:Liz, that's the wrong music.

Liz:So? I like this music.

Lyn:He's not getting married to the award!

Liz:Fine… (Batman music plays.)

(Seth Clearwater walks up on stage)

Crowd: SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH!

Seth:I would like to thank the little people… aw, screw the little people. What have they ever done for me?

Lyn:Aw, that's a wonderful speech. Now get off our fricken stage. (Pushes him off)

Liz:The next winner would be the best Random Person in our Stage AWARD! The choices were: Random Tough Guy from Episode 1, Dancing Munchkins from Episode 4, Catapult from Episodes 2 and 3, Flying Monkeys in Lyn's basement from Episode 3, Pete from Episode 3, Hermann T Nucleus from Episode 4, Cornwallis from Episode 4, Pirate Landlord from Episode 7, Barty from Episode 7, The Papaya from Episode 5, Uneta Life from Episode 8, Lady Question Mark from Episode 6, and Crispin from Episode 9.

Lyn:THE WINNER IS BARTY FROM EPISODE SEVEN!

Crowd: SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH!

Barty:(Taps his tongue on the pedestal using Morse code)

Lyn:That was… beautiful… (has tears in eyes.)

Liz:You understood what he said?

Lyn:Yeah, all he said was (repeats Morse Code motions.)

Liz:Okay, then. Next category: WORST EPISODE.

Lyn:Haaa, we tricked you. There is no worst episode. We're beast like that.

Liz:Okay. Then, next category: BEST FOOD.

Lyn: There were a bunch of good foods, but the best ones were the Cheese Top Hats from various episodes!

Liz:Come on up here, Wyatt!

Emeril:W-Wyatt? What about me?

Lyn:You didn't make those cheese top hats, Emeril.

Emeril:Yes I did!

Lyn:Well, Wyatt sold them!

Emeril:No he didn't!

Lyn:Well, he gave them away! He's a very charitable man! Grrr!

Liz:You know who else is a very charitable man?

Emeril:Who?

Lyn:JOHNNY DEPP!

Wyatt:You know who else is a charitable man?

Liz:Who?

Wyatt: Michael Jackson.

Lyn:He's dead.

Wyatt:Oh. You know who else is a very charitable man?

Liz:Who? Please tell us, Wyatt. We desperately want to know.

Wyatt: Elvis Presley.

Lyn:He's dead too, Wyatt.

Liz:Speaking of, the winner of the best star appearance was…

Both:JOHNNY DEPP!

Lyn:Come on in here, you hunky movie actor guy!

(Johnny Depp is escorted in, with Tim Burton on one side and the clinging Liz and Lyn on the other.) (Jimmy Buffet comes in in a flying rage.)

Jimmy:NO! HOW- HE… I HAVE PUT UP WITH YOU FOR ONE WHOLE EPISODE FOR THIS?! HE JUST SHOWED UP IN THIS EPISODE, HE CAN'T WIN!

Liz:Yes, he can.

Jimmy:Says who?

Lyn:Says the unanimous vote.

Jimmy:Who's the unanimous vote?

Lyn:Me and Liz.

Jimmy:YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! (Johnny Depp is just standing there, smiling) WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT, PRETTY BOY?!

Johnny: I'm better than you.

Jimmy:No you're not!

Johnny: Yes I am.

Jimmy:I'm a singer.

Johnny: I'm an actor.

Jimmy:Yeah? Well, I can act, too.

Johnny: Yeah? Well, I can sing, too.

Jimmy:Yeah? Well, I starred in a movie with you. Have you ever sung onstage with me?

Johnny: No. Well, I'm hot.

(Jimmy Buffett walks away in a huff.)

Liz:But JIMMY! You won the Best Musical Performance award!

Jimmy:I did? Are you sure Bartimaeus didn't?

Lyn:Yes, we're sure!

Jimmy:Well, what about Dustfinger?

(Thinks about that for a second)

Jimmy:Just give me the award!

Crowd:SPEECH, Wait, forget the speech. Sing us a song instead!

(Jimmy Buffett starts to sing Margaritaville and the crowd goes wild)

Lyn:Okay, Jimmy Buffett in his superior awesomeness has to get off the stage! (Pushes him off the stage)

Jimmy:Ow, my hip! I think it's broken.

Lyn:Oops. Don't sue me.

Liz:Anyway, for our next award it will be the Worst Speller Award.

Lyn:The winner is JACOB BLACK!

Jacob:YEAH! I'd like to thank BELLA SWAN for teaching me how to not spell!

Lyn:The Hottest Twilight Character award goes to—

(Edward comes on stage)

Edward: Thank you, than—

Liz:Wrong! The winner is CARLISLE!

Edward: Wha-

Lyn:Carlisle has better hair than you.

(Edward mumbles something to self.)

Lyn:Get up here, you good haired person!

Carlisle: I would like to thank my hairstylists from 100 years ago. I love you, maan!

Liz:What was his name?

Carlisle: Mr. G!

Lyn:Next, the Most Insane Twilight Character goes to ESME!

Esme:I would like to thank my therapist. You were so ineffective! You RAWK!

Liz:The most Lovesick Twilight Character is BELLA!

Bella:I would like to thank Edward and my other lover whose name I will not mention!

Lyn:The Most Fashionable Twilight Character award goes to ALICE!

Alice:I would like to thank the Abercrombie and Fitch shop owner, whose name I do not know!

Liz:The Most Stuck Up Twilight Character Award goes to ROSALIE!

Rosalie: I'd like to thank Prince Royce King, my Fiancée from when I was a human!

(All this time, Esme, Stu, and Paul were occupying themselves by eating quickly at the free buffet table.)

Lyn:The Cutest Twilight Character Award goes to Reneesme!

Reneesme: Goo.

Liz:The Strongest Twilight Character goes to EMMETT!

Emmett: I'd like to thank my personal trainer, even though I can't change one bit! I'd also like to thank Henry, because if not for him I wouldn't be here today!

Lyn:The Best Human Parenting Characters Award goes to CHARLIE AND RENEE!

Charlie: I'd like to thank Renee for being my friend!

Renee:I'd like to thank Charlie for being my enemy! I'd also like to thank Phil—

Paul:Paul!

Renee:Phil, it's Phil. I'd like to thank Phil for being my buddeh!

Liz:The Least Important Character Award goes to EDWARD!

Edward: Hey, that's not true!

Lyn:To us it is.

Liz:Horaay for us! Now let's take everyone out for Pizza at Pizza Hut except Edward!

Edward: Why not me?

Lyn:Cause you didn't win an award!

Edward: Yes I did!

Liz:But you didn't accept it so HA!

(At the pizza place…)

Waitress: Hello, how many pizzas would you like?

Lyn:FiftyHundredTwentyGazillion.

Waitress: Okay. (Leaves and comes back rather quickly.)

Paul … Phil?: Geez, took you long enough.

(The pizza is equally divided out between everyone at the gelatinous giant long table. Everyone starts digging in except the vampire characters, who stare blankly at Liz and Lyn while Liz is doing something and Lyn is piling a mountain of Parmesan Cheese onto her pizza.)

Liz:(Mouth full of pizza) mmphou nsou nesy eahtnl? (Translation: Why aren't you guys eating?)

Rosalie: Uh… we don't eat. Retards.

Lyn:That's not nice…

Emmett: But it's TRUE.

Wyatt: Oh, look at EMMETT, always having to stand up for his girlfriend. TAKE YOUR OWN SIDE FOR ONCE, WEAKLING!!!

(All of a sudden, Edward, Quil, Jessica, Leah, Mike, and other rather unimportant characters step into the scene.)

Jessica: (Cackles like a witch.)

Liz:OH NO WE HAE A WITCH IN OUR PRESENCE!!!

Jessica: That's not true. Just because I cackle doesn't mean I'm a witch.

Lyn:Oh yeah? Well what about that wart on your nose?????

Jessica:WHERREE??

Emeril: Now it's on your toe!

Wyatt: Now it's on your tongue!

Liz:Now it's under your fingernail!

Lyn:Now it's on your knee!

Carlisle: Now it's stuck in your ublula!

Esme: Now it's on your tonsil!

Jessica: That's not true, I just got my tonsils taken out.

Esme: Oh, sorry, would you like some ice cream?

Jessica: Why, sure!

Esme: HA HA WITCHES LOVE ICE CREAM!!!

Rosalie: Now it's moving up your spinal cord!

Emmett: Now it's on your bicep! (Flexes bicep.)

Mike: Now it's on your ankle!

Paul…Phil?: Now it's up your nose!

Quil: Now it's ON YOUR EYEBALL!

Bella: Now it's on your elbow!

Leah: Now it's on your tooth!

Seth: Now it's on your pinky finger!

Alice: Now it's on your pinky toe!

Jasper: Now it's inside your brain!

Jacob: Now it's crawling out your mouth!

Renee: Now it's in your armpit!

Victoria: Now it's stuck on your forehead! (Isn't she dead?)

Laurent: Now it's in your hair, mon! (Isn't he dead, too?)

James: Now it's stuck in your dimples! (Wait, he's dead too…)

Royce: Now it's on your eyebrow! (Where are all these dead people coming from?)

Ben: Now it's on your belly button!

Embry: Now it's swimming in your saliva!

Emily: Now it's attached to your kidney!

Sam: Now it's tearing apart your soul!

Mr. Black: Now it's making forchinni on your stomach!

Sue: Now it's… umm… it's just a bug.

Everyone: Phew!

Lyn:Who's up for PIZZA!

Embry: Actually, I'm more in the mood for forchinni... Hey, bug, can you make us some more forchinni?

Bug: Sure!

(Everyone's laughing, giggling, and eating, except for the vampires who are not eating. Suddenly, a golden frog comes and takes everyone's forchinni!)

Quil: HEY THAT FROG TOOK MY FORCHINNI!

(Everyone pulls out shotguns, tommies, pistols, and any other kind of gun you can think of. And they start shooting the pretty golden frog.)

Lyn:Wait, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this in style. (Starts moving in slow-mo just like the matrix. The bullets are still moving at full speed.) Oh wait, I forgot. (Pulls out the MATRIX BUTTON! and presses it. Now it looks like the matrix.)

(The frog somehow gets away from their perfectly accurate shooting, and they all groan.)

Everyone: Groan.

Liz:I AM NOW OFFICIALLY BORED! LET'S GO BACK TO THE STUDIO WHERE JOHNNY DEPP IS!!!

(Back at the studio, Johnny Depp is there.)

Liz and Lyn: Johnny Depp… bask in his glory…

(Girls start tearing up)

Lyn:Awww, I'm gonna miss you guys!!!

Liz:I don't want it to be over!!!!!

Johnny: But wait! It's not over!

Lyn:It's not?

Johnny: No.

Liz:But how can this be?

Johnny: I say there is going to be another one.

Lyn:Another episode?

Johnny: No, another series.

Liz: You're RIGHT!

Lyn:There's still the soon to be coming PAPAYA TANGELO SHOW!

Liz: Papaya

Lyn:Papaya

Liz:Papaya

Lyn:IT'S STILL FUN TO SAY!

Liz:I know we told you a few episodes ago we told you it was going to be for Bartimaeus… except it was pronounced BART-IM-AY-US and not BART-A-MUS so we kinda screwed that up…

Lyn:Instead, we're gonna be doing Percy Jackson and the Olympians 'cause we know how to pronounce his name!!!!

Liz:So if you miss us like we are going to miss you, come back in a while and we'll have the first episode of the PAPAYA TANGELO show up in the Percy Jackson files…

Lyn:See you, ya'll!

THE END.

**Dedication: Dedicated to all our fans and friends and random people and Johnny Depp… and Johnny Depp… and Jimmy Buffett… and Johnny Depp… And Johnny Depp Jr… Who is also Johnny Depp… Pickles. Goodbye.**


End file.
